Monthly Archives: April 2007

The Melting Point of Wax

I took Nate out to dinner tonight at the local seafood shack/ice cream stand. For dessert, he wanted soft-serve vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. We had a brief discussion about the proper terminology, although we went around so many times that I can’t even remember who said jimmies and who said sprinkles. I guess I am marginally more likely to say jimmies than sprinkles, although it always reminds me of my college roommate Michelle. She told me that a jimmy was slang for a condom, and if you asked for jimmies on your ice cream in New York, you’d probably get punched just in case, even if they couldn’t quite figure out what the hell you were talking about.

Anyway, Nate was way more enthusiastic about the sprinkles than he was about the ice cream. Basically the ice cream was just a vehicle for sprinkles. He would carefully reach in with his fingers and pick up the sprinkles around the edge. Then he would place them on top of the ice cream so he could spoon them up.

He comes by this trait honestly; Sarah loved chocolate sprinkles, or jimmies, more than almost any food. Once, when Dan was visiting, he walked into the kitchen of our apartment in Salem and caught Sarah eating them with a spoon, straight out of the jar.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Not getting enough paraffin in your diet?”

I’ve searched everywhere

Aw, stats!

I keep track of all the activity on my website. I love to browse through the statistics: how many hits have I had this month, which websites have linked to me, or which posts are most popular.

My favorite thing to look at, though, is the search keyphrases. If someone comes to my site through a Google search, I can see what they were searching for.

Hardly any of them appear to have been looking for me. There are a lot of people out there who want to know how to fix their leaky Price Pfister faucets, I can tell you that. But there are always a few that make me laugh. Here are my favorites so far:

last nate the ship of my heart
I’m picturing someone who doesn’t speak English very well, trying to find the lyrics to that Sting song.
chocolate rabbit transubstantiation
Ecce Cuniculus Dei?
how do i keep earthworms out of my basement
Believe it or not, I actually know the answer to this one. Play Zamfir: Greatest Hits twenty-four hours a day, at a sound level of at least 85 dBA. Worms hate Zamfir. Either that, or dig all the dirt out of your basement.
how to intubate a rabbit
Wow. Just… wow. Look, I know how attached we get to our pets. But I think you might have bigger problems than a sick bunny.

Keep ’em coming.

Cat People

From day one, Sarah and I had an ongoing discussion about the relative merits of cats and dogs. Each of us said the same thing: dogs just love you, while it takes time and effort to earn a cat’s trust and love. But we disagreed on which was the good part and which was the bad part.

Sarah had never lived with a cat before. She wasn’t willing to accept that she would have to learn how to approach Figaro, and how to read his body language. This got her scratched quite a bit in the early days, but they did eventually reach an understanding.

Before Nate came along, our weekend routine, and God, do I miss it, was to have breakfast at Red’s, and then wander over to the churchyard so Sarah could pick and eat mulberries off the huge mulberry tree.

By midsummer, the mulberry tree, like most mulberry trees, had a thick carpet of overripe windfall berries underneath it. Sarah would wade right in, heedless of the mess, and her Tevas would leave purple footprints down the sidewalk afterwards. I, fastidious to the point of helplessness as always, would pick my way around the perimeter, trying not to get messy, but she would always beg me to stop dithering and come help her reach the best berries.

One day, while she picked, we were chatting about cats and dogs, as usual: Sarah depicting cats as aloof and mean, and I characterizing dogs as slavish and sloppy. All of a sudden, this ENORMOUS dog (a “hound from Hell,” when she told the story) came tearing across the churchyard, making a beeline straight for us. Sarah told me later that she was thinking, “Oh, crap, it’s going to eat us and Dave will win the argument.” He pounded through the mulberries, planted his giant paws on my chest, slobbered all over my face, and took off. I stood there, paralyzed, unable to speak. She giggled, “Oh, quit it, you big baby. He was just being friendly.” I turned around to face her, revealing the two huge purple pawprints on my favorite white T-shirt.

When she finally stopped laughing, she told me she could get the stain out. It took her two weeks of repeated soakings and rinsings, but she did it.

We each thought that this incident had finally settled the argument in our favor, but we were both wrong. I held up the nearly-ruined shirt as an example of how dogs epitomized chaos triumphing over order; she countered by saying that it took a special kind of crazy to believe that it was even possible to keep a white T-shirt pristine forever.

She was right, but I still prefer cats. At least I don’t have to empty Figaro three times a day.

The Golden Age

Over at Lawyerish, I let it slip that I took Fashion and Decor in college. It’s true; I was a theatre major. That should help explain the long hair, anyway.

Fashion and Decor was a challenging class. It was basically a world history class from a design perspective. The first time around, I ended up dropping the class midway through the semester; it was hopeless. The second time I took it, somehow it just clicked. For a few glorious months, I had a clear timeline in my head of all the major artistic periods, from paleolithic to postmodern. It was amazing. I had taken social studies in high school, and art history and World Civ in college, but somehow it all came together in this one class.

Of course I’ve lost almost all of it, but I can still occasionally glimpse a flash here and there. I know what a cowl-neck sweater is. I know what an Empire waist looks like, and that it’s named after the First French Empire of Napoleon. I remember the ancient Egyptians wore kohl as eyeshadow to cut the glare from the sun, and perfumed cones on their heads to mask their body odor, because Egypt is very, very sunny and unbearably hot. When Sarah took me to Egypt, and London, and Florence, and Venice, I was able to hold my own next to her Master’s in Art History, all thanks to Professor Jim.

I remember there was a seventeenth-century hairstyle called the fontage, which was always accompanied by Jim’s outrageous faux-French pronunciation and a hand thrown up to the forehead, to suggest hair coiffed straight up, There’s Something About Mary-style.

There was a lot of French terminology being batted around, that semester. When Jim first mentioned L’Eminence Grise, I had no idea what he had just said. I leaned over to see how Dan had transcribed it in his notes:

LEMON-I-SCREEZ

And to this day, if you go up to Dan, or Keith, or Professor Jim himself, and say “lemon-i-screez!” he will laugh, and reply, “fontage!” and put the back of his hand up to his forehead.

Rocket Man

So! I think Nate has allergies.

Shocking, I know. Where could he have gotten those?

Anyway, he isn’t very good at blowing his nose yet. This means that his sneezes are, shall we say, high output. Luckily, I already know a little something about allergies, so there is always a box or packet of Kleenex ready to hand.

Along with various potions and philtres, we are also trying a few anti-cat protocols. These primarily consist of putting clean laundry away, and spreading a towel over Nate’s bed and pillow before we go out.

Tonight when we got home, Nate went upstairs to get a toy. “Dad! I found a lump!” is not what I was expecting to hear. I followed him upstairs and discovered that Figaro had managed to crawl underneath the towel and was simultaneously sleeping and shedding on Nate’s comforter. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look quite so pleased with himself.

Friendly Fire

Nate’s bedtime routine

  1. Put on PJs
  2. Read books
  3. Allergy medicine
  4. Brush teeth
  5. Use the potty
  6. Turn on humidifier
  7. Lights out
  8. Select stuffed animal (using flashlight)
  9. Leap into bed
  10. Request to use the potty again (denied)
  11. Songs
  12. Request to use the potty again (denied)
  13. Goodnight kisses

I’m always interested to see which stuffed animal he’ll select. Pearl sent Sarah a Ty golden lab puppy when she was first diagnosed. Bingo-dog is Nate’s most popular choice, and we always talk about how Mama gave him to Nate in the hospital. A close second is this nasty carnival prize in the approximate shape of Bob the Builder. But recently the opossum has been in heavy rotation.

The last couple of nights, he’s been asking me to kiss his stuffed animal goodnight before I kiss him goodnight. Last night, when I leaned in to kiss the opossum, Nate snatched it away and said, “No, daddy. Possum doesn’t like you that way.”